i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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