im about as happy as oj after his trial
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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