you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
