Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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