At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh god it's open bar.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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