Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
