He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
