Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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