So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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