omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
