i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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