Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
