OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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