If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
