mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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