my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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