the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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