News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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