So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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