he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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