i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
