we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
false alarm, still single
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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