i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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