I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
