You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
