it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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