I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
it glows. i had to have it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
