I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
