I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
