My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
