So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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