We're facebook friends in real life
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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