you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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