I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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