Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize