..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
