I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
