I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
