I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
