You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
