Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
