I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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