Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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