i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
