I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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