i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
