I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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