May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
