omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
