Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
