another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
