Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
