So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i love accidental penises.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
