Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
