sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
