That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
