i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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