Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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