we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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