I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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