she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
