Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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